I was at the mall today and overheard this dude talking to two lesbian chicks. I hear him ask, “So which one of you is the guy in your relationship?” And the one girl looks into her pants and says, “It’s not me. How bout you? Are you hiding a dick in there?” Then her girlfriend looks in her pants and says, “Nope, I’m not.” Then the first chick looks at the dude and says, “Hmmm, guess that’s why we are lesbians.” And then I lost my shit.
omg, I want a love story in which my best friend calls me a racial slur and then proceeds to join a terrorist group based on killing people of my heritage and then accidentally endangers me and tries to bargain the lives of my child and the man I love away in exchange for me like some creepy bartering system and in causing my death decides to protect my son out of guilt but really spends his entire childhood being an asshole to him - OH WAIT, NO I DON’T.
i imagine severus snape going to the afterlife and seeing lily for the first time and he’s all happy but then lily starts repeatedly kicking snape in the shins and screeching “how dare you treat my son that way" and that’s basically their relationship for all eternity
My BFF Coming out to her 89 Year old Grandmother
- BFF: Grandmother I need to talk to you
- Grandma: [concerned voice] What? What is it? Are you sick?
- BFF: No, no. Grandma. I'm gay.
- Grandma: What?
- BFF: I'm gay Grandma. I have a girlfriend now.
- Grandma: [relieved voice] Oh honey, is that all? I thought you had cancer. Anytime someone needs to tell me something they are sick. Who's your girlfriend, when is her birthday? I'll bake her a pie.